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[02 Dec 2004|09:41pm] |
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joanna newsom |
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remember me?
things are pretty good now. :) so thats good.
( fun with the camera )
what's up everyone?
give me a call sometime, 913 378 6543.
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[17 Oct 2004|12:23am] |
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 crappy |
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built to spill |
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whenever you guys go through slumps where you're just not happy and you don't look forward to anything and you never even feel excited, do they last for a long time? because i'm so tired of it but even knowing that it definately will go away at some point doesn't help.
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[10 Oct 2004|10:17pm] |
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rocky votolato |
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talk about a fucking slump. i'm ridiculously ready to be out of this, right now.
i made a list of good things that might help me feel better. ever notice how you have to force yourself to do things that make you feel happy? then once you do, you feel better. but mostly most people, including me, are so busy feeling sorry for their self that they have to force themselves to feel better.
1. bake one new item each week. its a good skill
2. modify one item of clothing each week (i keep telling myself i'll do it, most of my clothes are awfully plain)
3. try one new crafty thing each week (i dont do it enough, which is dumb because i love it)
4. make breakfast once every weekend because its a nice luxury that most people aren't afforded during the school week
5. knit one new thing each month, i'm a little sporadic with my knitting exploits
6. keep my room clean
7. do my laundry every one or two weeks
8. paint my room i have the paint i just havent done it yet
9. send one letter each week
10. keep my bed made
11. watch one new movie each month (preferably at some movie night type thing. i love those.)
hopefully i'll force myself to do that because let me tell you i'm fucking tired of feeling crappy, burnt out, boring, and stupid.
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[22 Aug 2004|03:05am] |
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east river pipe |
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well i just watched four episodes of degrassi and i thought you all should know. i enjoy that show a lot. manny plus craig = adorable, if he hadn't fucked thingsup. what were you thinking craig. manny, get some morals, craig, get some sense, then get yourselves together and go out.
the show tonight was real fun. anthony badgerow was good, even without their sampler.
sometimes i make myself feel like i'm a little stuck and i can't move forward, and its not really true. i just think of it in my head. i don't know how to keep such feelings from being felt, and talking does not always seem right.
also sometimes i forget i can hold your hand. what do i worry about, embarrassing you? i don't know,but it won't happen. so i will work on not even thinking about it.
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[21 Aug 2004|06:09pm] |
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unicorns |
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i got my license. but i am a bad, dangerous driver. oh well.
my head hurts. i had good bread a while ago. pestobasil bread. mm.
i did a lot today, actually.
ate kin lin with hank and ethan, hung out with them + bobby, michael boles, dan p. hung out with tanner, played with a snake. found out that chinchillas are 130 dollars. gosh. now i am home. before the show. then i will go to that show with amber, matt, and nathan neenan. haha. silly.
tomorrow i'm hoping for a nice quiet evening involving dave attell's adventure to japan, because i love japan. i will watch.
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[15 Aug 2004|11:53pm] |
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well its been a good summer.
some crazy things have happened...visiting amy. meeting eric. the whole eric/bobby...fiasco.
as it is right now, i love bobby, i'm glad i fucking got my shit together when i did and figured things out because i'm so glad i've got him.
i miss amy, i miss eric too. i miss kristen, i will miss zac when he leaves. lots of people are leaving. this school year is going to be depressing.
but i have a job, and i'm getting a car, and i'm hoping that this will be a wonderful year anyway.
i got my tamagotchi today, its name is rocky, its a boy right now. (it hasn't died yet.)
my head hurts and i dont have much of my art assignments done,but i think i'll finish.
tomorrow = school.
ugh.
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[08 Aug 2004|01:31am] |
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self conscious |
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microphones |
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well, anyway, after all that, things are pretty good. wow.
bobby ended up finding this, funnily enough (if you still read it, bobby, go for it, i don't really care). which is kind of what really made things get better. talking is a good thing. he is wonderful. like, so understanding. aww. gosh.
its funny because i said i wasn't scared of his family a while back, but tonight was terrifying. i seriously don't know whats wrong with me sometimes, and tonight i was so anxious i thought i'd start crying or something. it only lasted an hour, then the feeling started to go away, but it wasn't very good.
well, tomorrow is my birthday dinner with my parents. i don't really even know where we're going, but i want thai food, so i hope that works out. my birthday is on tuesday! i will finally be 16. finally. i'm going out at 4 for dinner i guess, my family does things early, and then i am coming home, renting movies, and either cozying up and watching them by myself, or if i'm lucky, watching them with someone awesome or if i'm super super lucky, watching them with bobby, and getting nice wonderful soothing cuddling time, because school starts very soon and then i won't be able to have that kind of thing on a sunday night.
(i made him super late tonight. i feel really bad. i shouldnt've done that. i hope he isn't in trouble.)
i tried changing my lip jewelry and it turned into quite a fiasco. i was petrified that it was going to close up, and i ended up just putting the old jewelry back in. its not ready for this yet.
al;dkjfasdf
i hate comparing my self to other people
and i hate having no confidence
for some reason the fact that people like me isn't enough to make me feel validated
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[04 Aug 2004|03:40am] |
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calm |
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sondre lerche |
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and after all that things are fine
no breaking off of any sorts
i got my closure
i got my reassurance
i'm closer to both people now
and things are alright
as for what happens in the far future, who knows.
but for now things are how they are
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[03 Aug 2004|05:06pm] |
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polysics |
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well, i am grouchy, and i am tired, and this of all weeks is the week i am required to do family things with the graces. i am not scared of what they'll think of me, or scared of talking to them or scared of being around aunts and uncles and cousins, but i am just feeling empty and bad about it because they will meet me, bobby grace's girlfriend, and they won't know that we are probably heading towards a breakup, and they won't know that i like another boy and they won't know any of it, even his parents, and so it will be so sudden when we do, whenever we do.
yeah. okay.
i talked to mr.ahloe about the matter and he is such a help. he probably doesn't know it but he is. and so i guess i will talk to him, you know, him, about it. and i dont know how and maybe i'm just saying that so i'll feel like i'm confident when i'm really not. but i think that when you feel the way i am feeling, i don't know, maybe you should go for it. i can't decide if i have a lot to lose. i do and i don't.
i just have this distinct feeling that i will not get the reaction i would like, which is understandable, but it will still kind of be a blow to me.
all this free ipod business is crazy, i am definately on my way to getting one though.
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[01 Aug 2004|08:31pm] |
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beatles - golden slumbers |
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he lives far away, we've only met twice but both times were so close, i have such strong feelings for him.
now that he's gone it seems like the way he acted is gone too, the closeness.
do i tell him how i feel? that's what i've been trying to figure out. do i do it. do i tell him.
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[01 Aug 2004|04:05am] |
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i feel sick, and all i want to do is cry. i have been crying nonstop since friday morning. i miss someone, i want someone, they don't want me, and i'm going to end up hurting someone very badly and i don't want to. i don't.
i am absoloutely completely stuck. stuck. where i am. i don't have a fucking plan. i don't have any fucking ideas. i don't know what i need to do. all because one person happened. yeah, they happened. they were there forever, and then they happened, they were tangible all of a sudden, and it threw me completely and totally off kilter.
now i'm going to hurt someone, and i myself am going to be hurt. i really don't know what to do. i want someone to tell me more than ever. i always blow things out of proprotion but i feel like i can't handle this all of a sudden.
most of all right now i want someone to hold me while i'm crying and tell me its okay, even though its not, its not, what i'm doing isn't okay, but i want someone to tell me it is, and just hold me and just tell me its ok. i dont deserve it but i want it.
that thing about leaving livejournal was a lie, you know i still come back to this stupid thing for comfort. in the long run, comfort won't even matter.
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[24 Jul 2004|03:13pm] |
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franz ferdinand |
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i know i rarely post in here anymore anyway, but i'm kind of taking an online-journal hiatus, because i feel like i need one, the computer isn't really doing much to me but i feel like i never see people anymore. and so while i'm gone i want you to contact me this way. i am shy and so i don't contact a lot of people on my own, so i would be really delighted if anyone called or anything to say hi or to hang out. i really want to see all of you. i feel like i never see anyone except 3 people anymore.
phone : 913 888 8070
cell phone : 816 419 2821
address : ask me, i live out by oak park mall
email : shaking_paper@hotmail.com
aim : en gallop
bye!
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[18 Jul 2004|11:05pm] |
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well, its been...what, a month or two? i stop writing in my livejournal sometimes. not because of a lack of problems...i'm not sure what it is.
things have been pretty okay.
i don't know.
i feel out of place a lot of times. i was never completely comfortable around most people, but what happened to the other friends i had? what happened to talking to london all the time? what happened to talking to marian all the time? what happened to talking to isaac all the time? what about people like amy w. , like kristen, like everyone else i was building friendships with? why did i stop?
i feel like i'm causing myself to be left alone, in a ridiculous way. not alone, but i just keep reducing my circle of friends. i love these people. why am i so lazy with talking to them?
i just feel like i'm making my walls close in tighter around me. i second guess myself all the time as far as bobby goes, because he is more sociable than me, and i just can't see why he likes me. i am so bad at being like he is. i'm not able to just float around to different people, and i'm bad at making conversation. half of the time i wonder why he wants to be around me, and i've noticed myself sucking up personality traits from like, one or two people, and id on't even feel like me any more.
you shouldn't spend a relationship wondering whether the other person even wants to be near you. but i do that.
so this is my vow: all those people i stopped talking to, i'm starting again. how did i get so lax? how did i stop talking to these people that i love? i'm starting again. if you want to be added to my People To Hang Out With, gimme yr number! i just got a new address book and i'm fillin' it up, guys. seriously.
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[25 Jun 2004|06:54pm] |
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bjork - human behavior |
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another week's almost gone by, i leave for canada this monday. i'll be there for 2 weeks. i'm expecting to get very homesick.
saw a lot of people this week. hank's birthday was definately the highlight.
show last night. it was alright. i was feeling kind of down during it.
felt kind of down today too. especially this morning when i got home, and started talking to people and they all (including bobby) were just bleh and not too nice and it wasn't their fault but it wasn't what i wanted to hear. but after a little while, bobby started being very nice and talkative again and i cheered up a little bit. i later hung out with tanner, now i'm waiting for ali to get here.
i'm very tired. and anxious about monday.
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[20 Jun 2004|03:31am] |
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elliott smith |
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i just spent the past 4 hours cuddling and watching tv with bobby.
his parents are out of town.
his brother came home at 1:30 and told us stories about what happened security wise at worlds of fun today and about macing people.
i broke my curfew by 3 hours because i thought my parents were asleep,
then came home and they were both up. i told them that i'd been at bobby's at 11:30 and that we'd both fallen asleep, woken up a half an hour ago, and that i didn't want to call incase it woke them up.
it worked.
i feel like i should be in a generic teen movie. but i like it.
when all your recent insecurities just kind of melt away cause someone does something that makes you feel loved, its just really nice.
i just want to do my best to stay this way because i felt like tonight i had no qualms with the way i acted. at first, yes. but later. no.
oh and happy fathers day. i am a total dick for keeping mine up worrying on his. but i would be lying if i said it wasn't worth it.
also there is a new yarn store at 80th and santa fe and i hate to say it (& i am sorry lucy because i know you work at the studio, and i mean i still like the studio) but it really kicks all the other yarn stores' asses, around here. it is just wonderful. not only wonderful but spacious and the people are nice.
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[18 Jun 2004|12:11am] |
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lali puna |
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waking up at 10 am for record shopping with bobby.
oh the things i will do to see people i love, sometimes.
i do not like feeling boring, but sometimes i get real shy or flustered and i say dumb things, and i act awkward and i am boring. but what i think i should be doing is trying to find the beauty in the awkwardness, because its borne, i think, of just...two people likin' each other.
i could be off, but, who knows. thats what it feels like to me. i just wish i didn't feel so dumbbb.
this week has gone by kinda fast, kinda slow. saturday night = scary movies night. oh yes. yes. oui.
(cunt! i need to get some courage up from somewheres and learn to kiss kiss.)
( a stupid survey because i am trying to finish my chocolate milk and then SLEEP )
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[11 Jun 2004|02:53am] |
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the aislers set |
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tonight, unexpectedly, lydia and i (while in world's window in brookside) got two free passes to an advanced screening of the movie Saved! with mandy moore and jena malone. truth be told, it was one of the best movies i've seen in a while. i'm not normally all that big on them, but it was good. macaulay culkin is adorable, in a bizarre way.
bobby called me today. i felt a little ridiculous because, although i knew it was him, when he was like, "this is bobby" i gasped and gushed, "OH HI!"
he comes back sunday. i miss him. also, i am a little worried (but when am i not). we are both quiet by nature which makes for meager conversation sometimes, but while thinking on it today i decided that if that's how it is. then. that's how it is. i still like him a whole lot. maybe quiet people are just...quiet. hopefully.
i have a dentist appointment tomorrow. i have to get a filling replaced for the 2nd time to avoid a root canal, and i might have to get the root canal anyway.
ugh.
(i grind my teeth at night. so i've already had 2 root canals before.)
suck. but. not.
i think this weekend i'll work on cleaning my room, because i don't feel like going to any shows and thats where everyone is gonna be. i guess there is a show at the stray cat on sunday that bobby kind of wants to go to, but, i am sorry, sunday is farmer's market and lydia and i are going and we are making smoothies. that is just the way it is.
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[09 Jun 2004|10:59pm] |
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cat power |
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bad mood, no reason, will hopefully get over it. i wish it would at least be sunday. or that i would recieve something by mail, before then. something like that.
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[09 Jun 2004|12:11am] |
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air |
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( thinking outloud )
i didn't get a job yet, but i'm supposed to call back in a few weeks. coincidentally i leave the 28th to see amy. i'm so excited. but when i get back, half my summer will be over. what a depressing thought.
hmm. i'm sleepy. and i miss bobby. and i hope the tension between all of my friends dissapates.
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[08 Jun 2004|11:24am] |
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pissed off |
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cat power |
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CUNT!
the day is off to a bad start. goddamnit.
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